Subjective Thoughts on Getting COVID

Subjective Thoughts On Getting COVID

By: Dr. Fabrice Robert Lubin

People have reached out inquiring about my experience with testing positive for COVID and experiencing subsequent symptoms, I thought it would be helpful/informative to give a general description of my incident. Therefore, I offer this simply as my subjective take on what my family and I endured.

Please approach this less as a guide (as your miles may vary as they say) and more like a cautionary tale and a reminder to be careful and compassionately vigilant.

First of all, I was x3 vaccinated when I became ill. I had never tested positive before this variant nor experienced similar symptoms to those I've undergone the past few days. The consensus has been that this variant is circumventing our current vaccination, and I believe that guidance to be accurate. The idea of avoiding vaccination does not make sense (to me), and instead, I would throw out there that if you are vaccinated, please proceed with caution.

Mask up where appropriate...I am "reasonably" sure that I caught COVID via a small intimate hang out with someone who had a breakthrough infection. They reported a positive test to me a day after hanging out (Super responsible for informing me!). We were wholly unmasked throughout our time together at the time of our hangout and in close proximal breathing range cause it's someone in my circle. All of this occurred right before Christmas; we quarantined as a family from that day forward and did not venture out. I became ill a week later from that exposure. My unvaccinated three-year-old tested positive first in order of events - then I slowly followed with my wife trailing behind me.

Given that my father works for a hospital that has seen a significant rise in staff coming down with the virus and he's been relatively vigilant with wearing an N95 mask and taking on safety precautions. Thus far, he's been successful in eluding this variant. So I would say that PROPER (Non-cloth! N95!) mask usage is beneficial.

My symptoms have been what I would describe as mild to moderate with severe would be me having to be hospitalized (?). I had an intense fever, chills, body ache, headache, and exhaustion. It took me longer to realize the subtle sensation of diminished taste and smell. I am uncertain how I missed it initially. One thing that I find disorienting is that these symptoms creep up on you. It's not something that shows up and all of a suddenly the robbed of ability to consume food with artful zeal. I would liken it to a gradual siphoning until it's depleted. At this moment 1/4/2021 I cannot smell cologne - It generally had a flowery beach scent that was fairly strong to me. At this moment it feels more like a car battery or something.

The cough:

I wouldn't call it a cough or a dry cough - I am not sure if that adequately described my sensation. For me, it was more like a persistent desire to clear my throat or airway without ever successfully reaching a point where it felt utterly unobstructed by granular softballs or something. I know that I am not getting the langue right here - But I want to paint a vision for myself that I can understand. To me, a dry cough, sounded like sandpaper with a rasp - As if you're attempting to mimic a mummy just come to life. This was significantly less dramatic than that. It felt more like I was an annoying kid in a movie theatre who has a throat/sinus issue and constantly desires to clear phlegm.

Energy:

My energy was pretty depleted but would vary throughout different days. My symptoms have been present for about six days - So I observed that my energy was the first thing to go and the first thing to return but not consistently. My body felt like it was battling something constantly, and at various times, my defenses needed reserves to protect a given territory within myself that I couldn't see.

Mental/Spiritual:

These combined symptoms made it genuinely challenging to sleep and made the rest of my day more difficult. Effectively rendering me an unconscious patient, my wife, managing her own initial symptoms, attempted to address our tiny hurricane in the form of our 3.5-year-old - Milo, our household, and a sick husband. She is my f-ing hero.

If our family were a tiny microcosm of the supply chain in America and how we are all interwoven together - Our country got shut down for about a week as we were incapable of fulfilling our appropriate responsibilities. But, seriously, I haven't seen my daughter since December 23rd...This is the longest she's gone without switching back to our household. It breaks my heart because what was already a challenging time trying to figure out how to maneuver in an emergency led to some crap outcomes anyway. I am concerned about the impact of these things on my daughter's young sense of self, especially around "joy" and positive "expectations" about the future...(More on that in a bit). Things happened that I could not foresee nor control. So my approach to COVID has mainly been passive...Get vaccinated, put on a mask, and be mindful when the cases spike. Moving forward, I would be more actively conscious of the consequences.

Having been in the helping profession throughout the pandemic - It felt somewhat cheap and at the same time fitting that I would get COVID right at the end of 2021. It was as if my number had finally been called up. There is a part of me that fears lingering symptoms or “long covid” as they’re deeming it. Part of writing this out is a way to confront it and make sense of what’s happening around me. I am hopeful that I can revisit this at some other point and have positive things to relate. At the current moment - I am grateful to be alive and to lay down with my son in his bed to read a book. I’ve had little sleep the past few nights and keep thinking in a fairly morbid way about my own demise. 

Writing is the only thing that gave me any sense of life. 

Communal:

We need space in hospitals, medical staff, and proper infrastructure to keep things buzzing. That concert that you think your life depends on --- Well, your life or the life of another could LITERALLY rely on it. Having a compromised immune system for a week sucks! (Of course - Imagine now all those individuals who are CONSTANTLY experiencing this state, and we offer NOTHING to them - Hell, if they're immunocompromised for a prolonged period, we psychically punish them for being "weak"...) Having to stay inside with a 3.5 year old who deserves to experience some form of actual life - Also sucks. This whole thing is unfathomably horrible for our mental health. Concurrently, a system that punishes the vulnerable is also EXCESSIVELY LIFE-THREATNINGLY HORRIBLE TO OUR: Spiritual, mental, physical, community, and familial health.

Listen, my dearest one, sometimes in this life things are complicated, and the answer you're thinking will be the standard good choice that will be the best and lead to no consequences whatsoever truly does not exist. Every choice has an effect...We need to understand how we ripple within the lives of others. We need to come to terms with the responsibility we all have. In terms of things I wish I had beforehand - I wish I would have stocked up on things like Gatorade, cold/flu medicine, ibuprofen/Tylenol to manage fever, canned soup, NyQuil to help with sleep when you can't stop coughing. Also, if you have children, maybe hide some secret toys or distracting things because you might not be of any actual use to them.

I am grateful to be on the mend thus far... Unfortunately, I still have lingering symptoms and will continue to abstain from any public places until that abates. I am fortunate that I have a job that allows me to work remotely, and this is not a choice that most people have. Therefore it fucking sucks that we don't have any plan in place for allowing people to take time off to recover as their recovery time will decrease spread and allow shit to continue.

The whole situation is a big mess, and I am sad about all of it.

I continue to be open to the uncertainty of the future, and my hope goes into that place of vulnerability.

Overall:

I would advise you to be discerning about what activities you choose to partake. (This would be true anyway)

I would advise you to wear a mask.

I would heartily remind you that we are all experiencing collective trauma on a massive level. Therefore, you're going to see people in absolute denial mode that this is happening.

IT IS HAPPENING...We are all struggling.

Every single one.

So let us not add to the struggle of those who have less than us.

My daughter’s scrawl on the back of a Christmas ornament:

"Home was our only place to walk, hang out in 2020 - 2021

but COVID still here

and so is home and family."